On Behalf Of My Fellow Gentlemen

Women.

I love women. I mean, being a man, why wouldn’t you, unless of course you’re the kind to swim upstream, that’s cool too.

They’re beautiful, delicate, nurturing and complicated creatures.

We men are primitive that way, we’re simple.

That’s probably what makes us an ideal combination. We complete each other, so to speak.

But then the times haven’t been as glorious for the women, as it has for us men, especially in a country like India, from the sexism, the atrocious religious practices like Sati, and infanticides/foeticides all the way to the dowry system.

A lot’s changed obviously, we’ve come way, way too far. But there are still places in this country where a boy child is a blessing from god and a girl child is a cursed liability even if that boy grows up to be uneducated and a future child-rapist and the girl, a fancy doctor.

It’s brilliant now though. We walk shoulder to shoulder as we always should have from the very beginning. You women are right up there, almost whopping our primitive man-asses in all walks of life, and I respect you immensely for the same.

That being said, I do have some issues with your race, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be up at 2am writing this yeah?

It’s not feminism, I get it, to an extent I guess, you are pissed, my race hasn’t been kind to yours and about 75% of them are still certain kind of holes you find in the human body.

So the issues can be categorized into 3.

• “Ways to Make a Woman happy” Posts on the Internet.

You know when I wake up in the morning, do my business, sit down for a quiet breakfast as I catch up on the newspapers, then come the updates/notifications on social networks which had been apparently giving my phones orgasms by vibrating all night while I was asleep.

It’s usually around this point where I come across at least 5 posts which are supposed to teach me, a man, everything from, “make the date perfect for her” to “her 10 favourite positions in bed” to “15 things a woman looks for in a man”.

Also at this point is when I lose it, throw the phone away and continue eating my cereal staring at a wall.

Now. I really want to meet these self-righteous women out there who actually spend their quality time, time in which other women in the world are making serious advancements, to sit around calling themselves bloggers/writing such posts, preying on the fact that man is an inherently insecure animal.

No. You telling me what you like, is not my problem. You can scream on a mic. in front of the whole world that you like it from behind, or something of that sort, it is not my problem.

My problem is that underlying message in each of these posts is “Men are nimble-witted-morons, women are perfect, and men hold the sole responsibility in holding the relationship together, by following the steps given by a third-party woman on how to please his woman, and men are oh-so-lucky to have women”.

How many posts have you come across giving out apparent cheat-points on how to treat us men?

I mean, if tomorrow there’s a post titled “Women, here are 10 ways to keep your man happy in bed”, it’d probably be hated on, the author would be called a male-chauvinistic-pig, there’d be a candle march, and a protest in front of his house calling for a public apology.

My race is so messed up, sad single dudes will join the protests just to impress the ladies. I hate it, but it’s true. This section of the men is also responsible for these posts getting viral and showing up on my phone’s screen as I shove cereal into the big hole in my face.

• Why do you always have to be the victim?

It’s a talent, honestly. It is just so beautiful the way you ever so seamlessly turn the tables on us men without us even realising it, and actually manage to make us feel guilty.

I’m not even kidding, it is just so beautiful, it’s not nice when it happens to you, but being a guy who’s just intrigued by the smallest nuances of the human behaviour which people tend to overlook, I often look back at and go “damn, she’s good, I mean I feel like an absolute ball-sack, but damn she’s good”.

Think about this, in a relationship between two people, when a man cheats on his woman, shit hits the fan, metaphorically speaking of course, the whole world turns on him, the people around him, including a section of his own male friends who’re single and horny, seeking an opening, hate him more than the Americans hated Bin Laden, there’s just instant judgment which happens almost always against the man, “he’s an insatiable dog”, “he deserves to die” and other such well known statements come up from everywhere.

Is all this judgement justified, well yes, cheating on your partner is wrong to say the least, whatever the disagreement may be.

But. But. But. Butt.

Why does this change when the woman cheats on her man in the relationship? Where goes the equality?

The man is still blamed and laughed at for not keeping his woman happy, people still hate him because they believe he’s making the poor woman’s life a living hell as a result of which she cheated looking for companionship to make her happy, some women even manage to convince the man about the same and the general consensus always seems to me “He must’ve done something really bad for this to happen!”.

Ergo, a man cheats, it’s the man’s fault, a woman cheats, it’s still the man’s fault?

‘cuz Logic. Who needs something as fundamental as logic, right?

Here’s a little secret, if a man is truly happy, and completely invested in the relationship mentally, emotionally, and physically, he will never cheat, purely because the primitive state of mind kicks in, he’s found his mate, that part of his life is settled, he does not want to mess up everything he already has. He’s too lazy to do everything all over again with someone new, it’s just that simple.

I can vouch for the above, ‘cuz I’ve been in both states of mind at some point in my young life.

But it’s this hypocrisy that, well, fornicates with my brain, to put it decently and its everywhere!

I mean, you fight for equality, yet you demand reservations, you cheat on a man, and then you convince him that he’s the reason you cheated, you fight against why men are getting higher salaries, where you should be fighting for why you aren’t, you claim abusive language is indecent, yet you seem to thrown those very beautiful words at whim, you claim men cannot be raped, ‘cuz apparently sex is all we think about, why do you highlight only the cases of domestic violence where the victims a woman, what about all those cases about battered husbands?

I ask you, why this drastic difference in perspective when all you claim you want is equality?

I get it, I truly do, that you are a far, far more evolved species, than us men, when it comes to thinking, feeling and other complex human emotions, but that doesn’t mean we’re always to blame. Most times we don’t even know what we did wrong, that’s how clueless we are.

So if you fight for equality and woman-empowerment, I’m completely with you, however if you interpret that as gathering in groups for male-bashing and trying to take over the world in a way, then you my friend, are wrong.

• Let me be the first one – 9 Things a Woman Should Know to Keep her Man Happy

1. All real men, are Mumma’s boys, and their family is a very important aspect in life, they may not say it out loud, but we are. Deal with it.

2. It really matters to us that you meet, get along with our close friends and pretty much earn their approval.

3. We love the fact that you’re independent, strong women, it’s actually really attractive in a lady, but we love it more when you put that aside when you’re with us and let us take care of you, and protect you.

4. We don’t throw the “L” word quite as often and easily as you guys do, so if your man says he loves you, and talks about a future with you, you better know for sure that he’s in it for the long haul, he has settled, the “find a mate” objective of his primitive brain is now complete.

5. Once committed, no matter how big a fight you may have, “breaking up/ending it” will never even appear as viable options, in our heads, we’d always rather compromise, and work things out.

6. No man, and I say again, not one man, wants to hear what you did with some other guy friend and how much fun you had, the same way you don’t like us talking about other women when we’re with you.

7. The first thing we look for in a woman, contrary to popular belief, is not, well, your assets and endowments, they don’t even feature on the list, but it’s your eyes and your smile.

8. Sense of humour and intelligence are major, major turn-ons.

9. Don’t be opportunistic and selfish, it beats the whole point of the relationship, meaning, if your man is away in a godforsaken place with limited connectivity to the outside world, working hard and trying to make a lucrative future to keep you happy, and has a couple of super-hectic months by the end of each day of which he literally passes out as soon as he enters his lonely small room in the middle of nowhere, don’t say you’re unhappy and throw away a three year relationship over 2 bad months, just like that, and then move on a week later with someone/multiple people who apparently make/s you happy, all this after he took you back after you cheated on him.

There are morals. There is a right and there is a wrong.

Being selfish, is human nature, but being plain disgusting, that, that is a choice.

A very good friend of mine who usually gets the sneak-previews of my posts before I actually put it up here, acts as my spell/grammar check and gives me the most straight-faced, honest reviews, mentioned that the tone of this piece is never truly neutral, it apparently veers towards feminism and chauvinism alternatively, it may be partially intentional on my part, but think about it, isn’t that the actual problem with the world?

This was a long one, wasn’t it? bahaha.

Well, see you next week then.

Cheerio!