Why I Think Dentists Are Satan’s Little Minions

By now, you probably have a fair idea as what I look like, owing to my vivid descriptions of myself, specially in comparison with the orthodox Indian.

So, physical intimidation is something I don’t feel often, unless I’m faced with a cannibalistic, sodomizing ogre wielding a bazooka, then I’d probably run screaming like a little girl.

And I guess I’m an easy-to-get-along-with-guy, and pretty open-minded when it comes to making friends and great with the whole social-life thing.

However, if there’s anything/anybody I genuinely despise and am afraid of, it’s this group of people, called Dentists.

Let me put it this way, the sheer magnitude of paranoia in my head, enroute to the Dentist’s, is probably more than that of a woman walking home alone on the streets of Gurgaon,Delhi post 7pm.

As always on this page, let’s do this with pointers.

1. I mean, it’s not fear, like the fear of heights or ghosts or spiders.

It’s just that I dont really like the idea of somebody using powertools meant for small scale constructions inside my mouth.

2. Even more so, being drugged and helpless whilst the aforementioned powertools are inside my head.

3. The method of injecting the local anaesthetic hurts. Period.

It’s almost like it goes right through your gums to that side’s eardrum.

4. The local anaesthesia makes you look like Stephen Hawkins’ long lost sibling, and it doesnt stop there as in time you will be asked to rinse your mouth and you will end up slobbering like a really thirsty English bulldog.

5. The effect of the sedative usually remains for a few hours after the actual session, so you essentially look like Sharad Pawar for the rest of the day.

**for those who dont know who Sharad Pawar is, Google him, he’s an Indian politician with enough black money to buy over your whole country. Not kidding.**

6. The dentist talk. You know how after sedating half your face, while using the aforementioned powertools inside your head, they decide its the best time to make small talk?

7. These small talks usually consist of weird, small, bordering rhetorical questions like “Have a good summer?” or “How’s school going?”.

Which is really messed up, because at some point, inspite of your mouth being filled with blood and saliva, you will feel like you need to answer these questions.

That’s when you start moaning out the answer in the tune you intend the statement to be in.

8. And the Doctor, with his/her hands inside your head, moans right back acknowledging your moan.

It’s like some kind of weird telepathic connection.

9. Last and probably most important reason for me avoiding the Dentist’s, is just staying still for extended periods of time, knowing that making any sudden movements might just result in a hole drilled right through my face.

So yeah, that, that is why I believe Dentists are Satan’s little minions.

I don’t hate them, I respect them actually,  it’s bloody difficult, what they do, and the number of years of studies and work they put in before they actually start earning, is impressive.

But then I would rather sit through a 3hour long Bollywood movie with bad music and people running around trees with Justin Beiber and Yo Yo Honey Singh(yes, he actually calls himself that) making guest appearances in a duet than go to the dentist.

Cheers.